Pointless "Dave Barry" column..
Feb. 3rd, 2003 04:40 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
honeymonsterRecently in Perkasie (motto: "Wanna neck?"), residents reported an outbreak of tadpoles. Perhaps you think there are no tadpoles in Perkasie. Perhaps you are an idiot.
As the French say, au contraire (literally: "You suck!"). I have here in my hands a copy of an Associated Press article sent in by alert reader Donny, whose name can be rearranged to spell "DYONN", although that is not my main point. "Donny", by the way, only has the letters "onny" in in common with "Monica Lewinsky", so there is no other reason to mention Monica Lewinsky in this column.
According to a quote which I am not making up, from Perkasie Mayor Edgar Montrose (formally "Mayor Edgar Montrose" and informally "Scooter"), tadpoles ranks as a major crisis just behind reading, writing and rebellion (insert your "literacy" joke here), as evidenced by the following conversation between Perkasie government employees:
FIRST PERKASIE EMPLOYEE: "You stink!"
SECOND PERKASIE EMPLOYEE: "Wanker!"
FIRST PERKASIE EMPLOYEE: "****wad!"
Fortunately I have a suggestion for Mayor Scooter, and that is: tattoo George Steinbrenner's forehead.
No, seriously, my suggestion does not involve George Steinbrenner's forehead, although it might involve ignoring Tobacco Institute scientists. My suggestion is more along the lines of a coup de grace, from the French coup, meaning "raising", and de grace, meaning "frogs". The procedure (you may want to write this down):
Burn it.
Plunge, then swear.
But instead the Perkasie city council (motto: "We'll screw up when you pry the coffee mug out of our cold, dead fingers") thinks that they (the tadpoles) will turn into frogs soon, sending this message to the public, and to the world: "Buchanon for God".
Speaking of which, "The Perkasie Tadpoles Outbreak" would be a great name for a rock band.
http://www.peacefire.org/staff/bennett/autodave/
As the French say, au contraire (literally: "You suck!"). I have here in my hands a copy of an Associated Press article sent in by alert reader Donny, whose name can be rearranged to spell "DYONN", although that is not my main point. "Donny", by the way, only has the letters "onny" in in common with "Monica Lewinsky", so there is no other reason to mention Monica Lewinsky in this column.
According to a quote which I am not making up, from Perkasie Mayor Edgar Montrose (formally "Mayor Edgar Montrose" and informally "Scooter"), tadpoles ranks as a major crisis just behind reading, writing and rebellion (insert your "literacy" joke here), as evidenced by the following conversation between Perkasie government employees:
FIRST PERKASIE EMPLOYEE: "You stink!"
SECOND PERKASIE EMPLOYEE: "Wanker!"
FIRST PERKASIE EMPLOYEE: "****wad!"
Fortunately I have a suggestion for Mayor Scooter, and that is: tattoo George Steinbrenner's forehead.
No, seriously, my suggestion does not involve George Steinbrenner's forehead, although it might involve ignoring Tobacco Institute scientists. My suggestion is more along the lines of a coup de grace, from the French coup, meaning "raising", and de grace, meaning "frogs". The procedure (you may want to write this down):
Burn it.
Plunge, then swear.
But instead the Perkasie city council (motto: "We'll screw up when you pry the coffee mug out of our cold, dead fingers") thinks that they (the tadpoles) will turn into frogs soon, sending this message to the public, and to the world: "Buchanon for God".
Speaking of which, "The Perkasie Tadpoles Outbreak" would be a great name for a rock band.
http://www.peacefire.org/staff/bennett/autodave/
