I am human and I need to be loved..

[honeymonster]

I look back at some of my earlier entries--the ones about Bill--and I feel like an idiot. Look at me getting all worked up and guilt-trippy. Gurf. This is why I try not to dwell on it too much, because it hurts in all sorts of places when I start to think that everybody was right and I was wrong, and it doesn't matter how happy I was at the beginning, because look how miserable I was for the rest of it. When did my caring become denial of his emotional blackmail tactics?

It's so tough to realize that the person you fell in love with doesn't exist anymore.. and even harder to think maybe he never did. I wish I knew how to break this cycle of bad choices and false hope.

So now my new problem is I don't think I can believe anyone anymore when they say they care about me "that way." I lost a lot more than money and a few important items in this mess, I lost my sense of lovability.. and after all that time buying the bullshit, how will I ever recognize the truth?

Yurg. I've got to get some sleep.