My name is Honey and I'm a raving space loon..

Today between doctors' appointments, my father and I ate at this odd restaurant called "Houlihan's." It was all wood and fake marble columns and pseudo-eclectic decor, with mid eighties rock-pop playing at a low roar and everyone trying to talk over it so the music was very hard to hear. One of those places with a drinks menu as big as the regular one, designed to make boomers feel with it as they get charged eight bucks for a hamburger. On the other hand, they make the best bacon cheeseburgers in the world.

I've learned so much about bookbinding, but it just seems like I keep learning. I guess that's cool.

I think I'm finally getting over the damn ear infection.

Bill called while we were out and now I'm scared he's back in the hospital..

(no subject)

when I wanted to die..
I think the thing that worried me most was that I wasn't shocked at the idea. I had never in my life seriously considered offing myself and then I was and it just seemed like the next logical step. I guess part of me knew that was lunacy, but I didn't want to be judged for that, so all I could do was write in my journal and talk it out with Steve. It was just like.. there I was, stuck here, going nowhere.. nothing to look forward to, nowhere to go, no way out. Everything was a trap. And I think sometimes I wanted to die just so I could be away from Rona. (My stepmother) You have no concept of the unthinking hatefulness of this woman.

Steve saved my life. Probably for the second time. I'm out of that pit right now, but I get so scared of falling back in..

Still, I have a better understanding now than I did before. A quote from somewhere else: "No-one should be angry at people who commit suicide. You can think it's stupid and selfish and whatever, but unless you know what it feels like to sincerely consider offing yourself, you should shut the fuck up about it, all right? I didn't used to understand. My first thoughts of suicide were a month or two ago. Yeah, all that bullshit I went through in school and I never even considered it until I was twenty-five.. I was almost asleep. It took me a couple seconds to even register that this was something horrid to think about. I felt like I should be horrified, so I started listing all of the reasons I shouldn't do it. It was a pathetically short list. But I wasn't horrified, or even scared.. it was sort of a clinical thing. I'm still not. If you know what my life has been like the past year, you may understand how I feel I had hit the bottom. If you lived the way I do it probably wouldn't have taken you so long. All of you people who are so self-righteous about suicide probably don't know what it's like to live in the present but never have any happiness there, to look to the future and see no way out of the place you are in. And I'm not asking for your fucking sympathy."

I don't know what this was supposed to mean.
But I love you. I promise.