ooo, when you call my name, sounds a little like Pavlov's dogs..

Fear. Ye gods, I do so much just because I'm afraid. I know how easily I lose my social skills when I don't get much human contact, so I'm afraid of how I will get along when I am released back into the world. I am scared of never having a postitive influence on people. I'm scared of what will happen to my elbow and leg when I get older. And I'm afraid I'll spend my life regretting things I did and didn't do.

Some of my fears are quite real. I'm absolutely petrified of falling down. If you were me, you would be too. And there's other stuff you don't need to hear about.

But for some reason I have this overwhelming desire to live alone. I really want to try it, even though I know I'll have to think about some things very carefully, and probably need a maid. I've never done this, and I think it's important for me. And I'm happy right now not to be attached romantically.. there's too much to explain, too many details.. I've never had time to just think in terms of me, rather than me and so-and-so. It's relaxing.

(no subject)

The view from the window at the foot of my bed when I got up this morning was just wonderful. That first-sun-after-the-rainfall green, tinged with mud, and buds on the magnolia tree. For some reason, I am now hopeful about the day.

so much for hope

I got really sick today.