honeymonster: (Default)
2017-06-27 01:59 pm

Laugh or cry?

I don't know whether it's more depressing or funny:

In a chat, watching a baking show. I want to know how to get someone to bake me a charlotte russe. I think that's what it was. Money is suggested, and seduction. I point out that I'm poor and look like the blob. I get the self-esteem lecture.

I direct them to a recent photo of me, and get "you look fine" and "you have happy eyes" and a change of subject.

I guess it's kind of both.
honeymonster: (Default)
2017-06-24 10:43 pm

bleah

So I need some lighting (been lighting my bedroom with one desk lamp since.. well, for at least a decade) and it turns out finding lamps online is a pain in the ass, even on amazon.

Also today a family friend came in with a shop-vac and significantly improved the look of my bedroom. Hopefully soon I will have a real bed once again.
honeymonster: (Default)
2017-06-19 10:25 pm

idle humming

Best thing of last week: Library sale

Worst thing: trying to vacuum 20 years of ground-in hair and dust off my bedroom floor with a vacuum that keeps clogging.

I hesitate to say the dreams have stopped, because I know they will start right up again if I do.
honeymonster: (Wolfwood)
2017-06-04 06:00 pm

sigh

Can't stop dreaming that my dad is still alive. And I'd REALLY like to, because waking up is a real nightmare.

I just want to sleep all the time.
honeymonster: (Default)
2017-05-27 01:34 am

bleah

First round of antibiotics didn't work. Still sick.

And apparently there is no point in time on this hell orb when I can get more than one hour of sleep without being awakened by one of the demons I live with. Fuckin' sofa.
honeymonster: (Wolfwood)
2017-05-16 11:52 am

whining

I am really sick, so bad I can't use the CPAP machine, and I was on the phone for almost 3 hours this morning trying to get ahold of the doctor's office.

I no longer have a bed, so I'm sleeping on the fucking sofa. And I'm pretty much shit out of luck when it comes to finding food with no dairy in it, which I need because dairy makes more snot.

The last 24 hours I've been living on dried fruit and egg noodles w/ butter & Thai peanut sauce.

So I'm sick, sleep-deprived and depressed.
honeymonster: (Default)
2017-05-06 12:06 am

I don't have a diary right now, so you're it

Cleaning all the garbage out of my room, and it is almost bare. Problem is, I found some old letters and read them.

That was a bad idea.

Now I'm depressed and thinking too much about the fact that the last time someone touched me sexually was in 1998, and our relationship fell apart for a lot of reasons, the main ones being distances and the fact he wasn't attracted to me.

The latter was the biggie, I think.

It's really depressing to realize a whole relationship is a thought experiment.
honeymonster: (Default)
2017-04-13 01:39 am

feh

Hi, it's 1:39 in the morning, I can't sleep and I am sad.

How are you?
honeymonster: (chicken)
2017-04-04 09:44 pm

Hi there!

Is this thing on?
honeymonster: (default)
2017-04-04 05:44 pm

ack.

I'm moving to dreamwidth soon because of the new privacy policy. Doing my book blog first, though.
honeymonster: (default)
2017-03-06 05:30 pm

I don't get it.

Whenever I feel insecure about the smut I'm writing, I go read something on literotica.com.

Then I still feel bad, but not about my writing.
honeymonster: (Wolfwood)
2017-02-12 11:45 pm

Gah.

Had a dream that my father came home, and when he saw all the food, he was like "What is this shit doing in my house?"

And we had to explain that we did not expect him to come home, because he was dead.
honeymonster: (default)
2017-02-04 09:45 pm

watchable podcast

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKShCgTyUT0&t=0s

More important than my sad case of the horn is that the What the Fuck Am I Watching? podcast now has its own youtube channel. I've linked you to the video version of their review of Neil Breen's new movie.

Damn, I miss their stupid faces.
honeymonster: (Wolfwood)
2017-02-03 04:19 am

massive internal screaming

Recently I dug all of my old journals out and put them in a big plastic box. I also photographed every single one of them.

27 years worth.

But I made the mistake of reading some of them, and now I am experiencing Feelings again.

Also Horniness.

I don't like it.

I am Sad and A Mess.

And Horny.
honeymonster: (default)
2016-12-15 10:44 pm

things that are making me sad, seemingly for no good raisin

when the "parental discretion is advised" thing comes up while I'm watching TV
trying to remember how to make pie crust
bread
various things I see in the supermarket
libraries
we need to find a new home for the snake
stand-up comedy
jigsaw puzzles
honeymonster: (default)
2016-10-29 03:34 pm

God DAMMIT

I actually feel a little better today, except for one thing.

When he was hugging me, my Uncle Terry touched my boob.

The first time, I kind of dismissed it.

But the second time, he waited until I was alone at my table at lunch, told me his wife wanted me to hug me, and then, his hand LINGERED. Shit, he practically palmed that fatbag.

I feel gross. I'm pretty sure his wife didn't tall him to also join the Touched a Booby Club.
honeymonster: (Wolfwood)
2016-10-28 07:52 pm

..

So to cope I have been playing lots of flash dress-up games (I think it's flash, I froget), watching "Sarah & Duck" on netflix, and staying up until 3 in the morning to watch Columbo on TV.

I'm exhausted and in a lot of physical pain.

Today I spoke at my dad's memorial service. I was crying and I don't remember what I said.

I just really miss him.
honeymonster: (Wolfwood)
2016-10-19 03:42 pm

He's dead.

My daddy's dead. They took him off the respirator and he died.

I can't..
honeymonster: (Wolfwood)
2016-10-17 06:21 pm

How does one stop existing?

My dad went into hospice care today, and soon they are taking him off the ventilator.
honeymonster: (default)
2016-10-13 09:27 am

okay, so it's been like 5 months since I posted..

Hallo.

Shortly after I found out I had bugs, my dad (who had been sick for about a year) finally let his doctor talk him into getting some tests.

My stepmother and I are still kind of pissed that he didn't do anything until a MAN told him he should, but anyway..

We found out he had a tumor on the back of his tongue.

They put a feeding tube in, he went on a special diet, then radiation and chemo.

Then he got pneumonia. He was in the hospital for a week.

He kept getting dehydrated though.

Like 2 days before his last chemo treatment, my dad fell down on his way back from the bathroom. He didn't have the strength to get back up.

We had to call an ambulance because we couldn't get him up the stairs ourselves.

Turns out he had pneumonia again, plus almost no white blood cells.

But this time he hasn't really been getting better. I feel like he's been there three weeks now, but I'm kinda fuzzy on that. He can't breathe on his own and he has some sort of shitting infection.

And today we are supposed to have a "family meeting" at the hospital.

Anyway, that's the news from the split-level. I hope this is readable. I got a few hours of sleep last night, but now whenever I lie down I just start sobbing uncontrollably.