He's dead.

Oct. 19th, 2016 03:42 pm
honeymonster: (Wolfwood)
My daddy's dead. They took him off the respirator and he died.

I can't..
honeymonster: (Wolfwood)
My dad went into hospice care today, and soon they are taking him off the ventilator.
honeymonster: (default)
Hallo.

Shortly after I found out I had bugs, my dad (who had been sick for about a year) finally let his doctor talk him into getting some tests.

My stepmother and I are still kind of pissed that he didn't do anything until a MAN told him he should, but anyway..

We found out he had a tumor on the back of his tongue.

They put a feeding tube in, he went on a special diet, then radiation and chemo.

Then he got pneumonia. He was in the hospital for a week.

He kept getting dehydrated though.

Like 2 days before his last chemo treatment, my dad fell down on his way back from the bathroom. He didn't have the strength to get back up.

We had to call an ambulance because we couldn't get him up the stairs ourselves.

Turns out he had pneumonia again, plus almost no white blood cells.

But this time he hasn't really been getting better. I feel like he's been there three weeks now, but I'm kinda fuzzy on that. He can't breathe on his own and he has some sort of shitting infection.

And today we are supposed to have a "family meeting" at the hospital.

Anyway, that's the news from the split-level. I hope this is readable. I got a few hours of sleep last night, but now whenever I lie down I just start sobbing uncontrollably.
honeymonster: (Wolfwood)
whining under here )
I am kind of annoyed by the responses people give me when I talk about feeling disgusting (for ridiculous reasons) because young, good-looking men (and men my age, probably) see me as gross and sexless.

They keep saying, "You're not sexless, you're not gross."

Well, thank you, Sandra, but that's not what I was fucking talking about.

I am talking about how much it hurts to see a man look at me and instantly decide I am worthless.

I am talking about how much I hate even noticing it.

I am talking about tearing up when I write this because of all the hurt, and anger, and fucking LONELINESS tied up in the whole thing.

And for christ's sake, don't tell they don't really think like that. I've been on the fucking internet, and even though I mostly stay in my nice, safe bubble of cool people and friends, I have seen it.

I'm not saying all young dudes think like this, but enough of them do.

And I really HATE minding it. I don't like being dismissed, and I don't like being ignored.

Guess what, I don't like being fat, but I have to live with it anyway. I'm not even sure how I GOT to my forties, but I know I'm old enough to be your mom.

Just.. stop being disgusted that I exist, is all.
honeymonster: (default)
Itch. Iiitch. Itch. ITCH. Itchitchitchitchaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
honeymonster: (Wolfwood)
Hey, friends. I hope you are doing well.

I really don't want to write this post, mainly because I'm gonna ask for help at the end--and I'm hardly ever here, and you've got you're own problems--but I don't know what the fuck to do.

Feel free to skip this and go check out my new project instead. It updates every day unless I'm out of town for too long.

The past couple of weeks have been a mess, and last Wednesday I'm pretty sure I had some hysterics.

I can't remember the last time my fucking shoulders unclenched.

I'm doing a group therapy thing now, as part of my effort to socialize with humans more often. Two weeks ago I parked in the wrong place and when I left group, my fucking car was gone.

I was relieved when we found out it was towed, but it still cost me $200 cash for the tow guy and another $20 by check for the ticket.

I was broke as fuck and I still had to get the car inspected.

The car went in for inspection that Friday, and of course there's something wrong with the rear bumper and it needs to be replaced.

But I had appointments, so I got the car back Monday night and only went to one on Tuesday, for other reasons.

But I really had to see the pulmonologist. That appointment went fine, it's just that leaving, I got lost.

So I'm freaking out because I'm lost, and for the other thing which I will get to, and.. I hit a parked car.

Scraped it up a little, but my car is FUCKED. Bent the rim, and pushed the tire against the frame or something, which punctured the tire.. shit, I'm lucky I made it home and then to the mechanic.

Mechanic thinks I should get another car. I'm like, with WHAT?

And somehow I have to keep $1000 in my account to keep from being charged the poor tax, and never have more than $2000 or I lose my disability payments.. have to get the money from Rona.

Okay, the other thing, the really horrible part, even worse than the car really, is..

You know how my stepbrother came back from his little cult adventure with scabies? Did I ever mention that?

Well, he also brought us bedbugs. And the little fuckers have finally migrated to my room, probably via the cats.

I have bites all over my arms and legs, I constantly think there are bugs on me, and I am getting NO help from anyone. Nobody wants to take the steps needed to get rid of all these fuckers, because it will be so much work.

I want to take steps, but I don't have money right now. I put a bunch of stuff on my amazon wishlist (it's right at the top), even one thing will help.

There's a reason a box spring is on there. it's because my box spring has huge fucking holes in it.

good news!

Mar. 6th, 2016 03:49 pm
honeymonster: (Wolfwood)
I found that I can banish things I shouldn't be thinking about by imagining slow-dancing with Rosario Dawson.

In other news, yep, still fucked in the head.
honeymonster: (chicken)
I'm going to do a podcast based around this Lynda Barry comic about titles for unwritten poems.

Do you have any titles to share?
honeymonster: (chicken)
It is short and it is about books: https://soundcloud.com/user-947745502/hodgepodge-barrage-episode-1
The next one will be different.

help

Feb. 1st, 2016 07:53 am
honeymonster: (default)
How do you pronounce the "Ajvide" part of "John Ajvide Lindqvist"?

Asking for a podcast.
honeymonster: (chicken)
I have a microphone. I have Audacity. What should my podcast be about?

ho ho ho

Dec. 17th, 2015 06:23 am
honeymonster: (chicken)
Okay, so I'm doing holiday cards and if you want one I need your address.
honeymonster: (default)
A package of stuff from my amazon wishlist showed up!

There were book cover postcards, a new chin strap for my CPAP, a mouse pad with a gel thingy for my wrist, and a new book bag!

The best thing, though, was the shoes. They ACTUALLY FIT!

I am so happy right now. And I love you.

guh

Nov. 30th, 2015 06:34 pm
honeymonster: (default)
I still feel terrible, so I guess I'm calling the doctor again tomorrow.

The one cyber-Monday thing I went for was pretty much a bait-and-switch and packages I've been waiting for haven't shown up and I should really be glittering some dinosaurs right now.

But I had a surgery follow-up and my arms look good, the lipomas were just fat and everything there's groovy.

Scar on my hand hurts tho.
honeymonster: (chicken)
New podcast is up: What the Fuck Am I Watching?

This was a lot of fun, hanging out with two of my favorite guys and complaining about movies.
honeymonster: (Wolfwood)
I've had hardly any sleep, so here's hoping this makes some sort of sense.

Canceled my therapist appointment today because I only got three hours of sleep.

Spent a lot of today on the sofa, making bracelets.

Beading & jewelry making is not one of the things I've really talked about on here because typing was hard on me.

But I really do love it, because I love making stuff, and patterns, and like that. The best part of jewelry making is seeing it go from idea to finished piece. Even if it's just adding a pendant to a chain and putting on a clasp, or gluing a thing to another thing, I get a lot of joy from making nifty things.

The worst thing about jewelry making isn't the cost, or the hand cramps. It's not even that hardly anyone buys things.

The worst part is probably when I make something cool for myself, and put it on and admire it, and wear it around the house--then take it to my therapist appointment because nobody else will give a shit.

yup.

Nov. 24th, 2015 07:48 pm
honeymonster: (default)
I have a sinus infection. Woo.

oh goody.

Nov. 24th, 2015 09:03 am
honeymonster: (Wolfwood)
I think I have another sinus infection.

That's what coughing up yellow junk usually means, right?
honeymonster: (Default)
[Error: unknown template qotd]Of course we should take in fucking refugees. What kind of fucking question is that?

gah

Nov. 23rd, 2015 11:05 pm
honeymonster: (default)
So, someone bought a book from my book store, which was neat. It was less neat when I got the check and it was made out to "Tales Resold" instead of to me.

I had to go into the bank and explain.

Luckily, the check was for less than 10 dollars.

I just hope it clears.

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